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Resolving Conflict Transcript

Let’s take a couple of minutes to talk about resolving conflict.

First of all, what is conflict?  Conflict is a difference in what two people need, believe, or prefer.  Get to know the preferences and personal needs of close associates, such as roommates or coworkers.  Conflict is a normal part of relationships; in fact, a certain amount of conflict can energize a relationship. Conflict can become a problem when it persists, however.  Conflict is not anger, although it can lead to anger. 

Before deciding whether to try to resolve your conflict or let it go, it is helpful to identify three things: the problem, its impact, and your feelings.
 
First, you need to identify the problem, as specifically as possible. For example, your roommate kept you waiting three times last week.

Then you need to identify the specific impact the problem is having on you. For example, you lost precious time waiting for him or her.

And, finally, you need to identify your feelings in response to the conflict. Perhaps you felt irritated and frustrated. Or maybe you were furious.

After identifying the problem, the impact of the problem, and your feelings, you can ask yourself, is this important enough to bring up?  Assuming that it is sufficiently important, it’s helpful to set up a time to communicate with the other party to your conflict. This method won’t work if you bring it up just as your roommate is leaving for a class.

Sometimes clear communication will reveal that there really is no conflict.  People will discover their common ground.  On the other hand, poor communication can lead to anger.  For example, if someone tells you to turn off that stupid music, you are likely to feel personally attacked and not inclined to cooperate. The following format represents better communication.  If you’ve done your preparation, you have already identified the components of this communication:

First, state the specific problem, starting with the word I, rather than you.  For example, “I have a problem with your being late”, not, “You are always late.” Statements that start with the word ‘you’ tend to make others defensive.

Second, describe the impact on you of the problem: “When you are late, I don’t know how much longer you are going to be, or even whether you have forgotten about our plans.  I lose time waiting for you that I could be using to study.”

Third, describe your specific feelings:  For example, “When I have to wait for you, I feel irritated and frustrated.”

As before, the formula involves identifying the problem, stating its impact on you, and describing your feelings.  

Up to now, you’ve been doing all the talking. The final step is to invite discussion about what you can do to resolve the conflict.  In this example, your friend might agree to make a better effort to be on time. Or he might offer to call you if he is going to be late. Then you can decide whether or not you can afford to wait. Your resolution might involve negotiation and compromise. For example, you might decide that, in the future, your roommate will try to be on time, but, if he isn’t there within ten minutes of the agreed upon time, you will leave or feel free to do something else. You might initially have wanted to say five minutes but been able to compromise on ten.

Good communication involves assertive communication.  If you have a pattern of either backing away from conflict or responding by lashing out at other people, you might want to work on assertiveness, which means standing up for your rights in a way that is respectful of other people. UCCS, or University Counseling & Consulting Services, offers a six-session workshop on assertiveness, which you can find on our web page under current groups.  There are also several good self-help books on assertive communication, one of which you can probably find at the Boynton Pharmacy.

Sometimes, however, even good communication won’t resolve a conflict.  In these situations you may want to seek outside help, or mediation, in resolving your conflict.  In the residence halls, for example, your CA might be willing to be a mediator for you. You can also request mediation from a counselor at UCCS.