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Hello. My name is Dr. Mark Groberski and I am a Staff Psychologist at University Counseling and Consulting Services at the University of Minnesota. I’d like to talk a little bit today about assertiveness.
Since people aren’t always clear on what assertiveness is, I’d like to spend a minute on definitions. Assertiveness is one of three styles of communication. One is assertiveness, the second is aggressiveness, and the third is passivity or nonassertiveness. Let’s look at each.
The first is assertiveness. Assertiveness is behavior in which you stand up for your rights or your position in a discussion. You are communicating your feelings, thoughts, or beliefs, but you are doing it in a way that doesn’t step all over the other person and doesn’t force your views on them. You’re stating a preference and allowing them to choose, not telling them what to do.
People often confuse assertiveness with the second style of communication, which is aggressiveness. There is some similarity in that both aggressiveness and assertiveness involve you stating what you want. But the difference is that with assertiveness, you don’t step all over the other person and don’t take away their right to choose to follow along with you or not. With aggressiveness, you’re basically making demands and telling someone what to do. It’s about forcing your view on someone else and taking away their right to choose. There’s no concern about the other person’s viewpoints, only a focus on getting what you want. People might feel guilty or angry after being aggressive towards someone.
Passivity, or nonassertiveness, is the third style of communication. When a person is passive or nonassertive, they’re letting others choose for them. They don’t stand up for their rights or opinions or preferences but instead, give in to what others want. The result is that they don’t usually get the things that they want and they feel bad about themselves or very put upon by others.
Sometimes this can lead to a build-up of resentments and anger, which they then may express in what is called passive-aggressive behavior. When a person is passive-aggressive, they state they agree or will go along with someone else’s opinion or preference. That’s the passive part. But the aggressive part is when their behavior expresses their resistance to, or disagreement with, the other’s opinion or preference. For example, they may say that they’ll go along and go to a movie they don’t want to see. However, they may take a long time getting ready, or forget where they left their keys, so that they then arrive too late for the movie.
How do you communicate in an assertive way rather than an aggressive or passive way? A convenient model that many people find useful is the D-E-S-C, pronounced “desk”, model for assertive responding. Each letter stands for a component of an assertive response. “D-E-S-C” is a way for you to remember how to construct an assertive response when you’re in a situation where you wish to be assertive. Let’s go over the components.
As I said, this is the D-E-S-C, or “desk”, model. First, the “D” component. “D” stands for “Describe”. The first thing you do when you want to be assertive is to describe the behavior the other person is doing that you don’t like, or agree with, or are uncomfortable with. It is simply a description of what they are doing that does not feel OK with you. An example might be the following statement: “When we’re trying to decide on a movie to see, and you don’t ask me my opinion or preference, I don’t like it.” Note that you are not accusing, you are describing the behavior they are doing that bothers you. A convenient way to remember this is to start off with the phrase, “When you do...” and fill in the blank with the behavior.
The next letter is “E”, which stands for “Effect”. You also need to let the person know the effect of their behavior on you. So continuing with the example above, the second sentence you could add might be something like, “When you do that, it makes me feel hurt and angry, and like you don’t care about what I want.”
Many people will go through the first and second components and stop there. However, by not including the other two components, they are not taking full advantage of assertive responding. The third component is important. The “S” here stands for “Specify”, reminding you to specify what it is you would like for them to do instead. By telling them what you’d like them to do instead, you’re giving them the opportunity to change their behavior to something you would feel OK with. Sometimes people aren’t aware of their impact on you or don’t know how else to behave. You are giving them the opportunity to change by including the “Specify” component. An example, continuing with the above, might be, “Instead, I would like you to ask me what I’d like to see after you’ve said what movie you’d like to go to.”
The fourth component, “C”, stands for “Consequences” and is also important. Let the other person know what the consequences will be for you and for them if they do as you ask. By including “Consequences,” you are describing how this can be a Win-Win situation. Remember, you’re not telling them what to do; you’re expressing the impact of their behavior on you and allowing them to modify their behavior if they wish to do so. An example of this might go like this: “If you do as I’m asking you, I’ll be in a more pleasant mood and feel like my opinion matters to you, and you will have a more pleasant and talkative partner for the evening.”
When we put the four components together, the assertive response would go like this:
“When we’re trying to decide on a movie to see, and you don’t ask me my opinion or preference, I don’t like it. When you do that, it makes me feel hurt and angry, and like you don’t care about what I want. Instead, I would like you to ask me what I’d like to see after you’ve said what movie you’d like to go to. If you do as I’m asking you, I’ll be in a more pleasant mood and feel like my opinion matters to you, and you will have a more pleasant and talkative partner for the evening.”
There are three other points I’d like to mention. First, you want to choose situations in which to respond assertively. For example, if you’re in a situation in which there’s a possibility of physical harm, you likely would not want to use an assertive response.
The second point is that it is important for you to pay attention to your nonverbal communication. Are your nonvebals also communicating the message you are giving verbally? Are they consistent with one another? How you say something is as important, or sometimes even more important, than what you say. When you’re making an assertive response, you want to make sure that your nonverbal behavior is also communicating what you mean to communicate. It is therefore important to speak firmly (but not angrily), look at the person directly, and not smile or giggle, or otherwise demonstrate behavior that isn’t consistent with what you’re trying to get across. When people say one thing but act another way, other people are usually going to respond to the message they get from how the person acts rather than what they say.
Finally, the third point that’s important to remember is that being assertive doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get the response you want. It’s probably going to give you the best chance of getting it, but it may not work. In that case, you may need to consider what it means to you to be in a relationship with a person who is not open to modifying their behavior in ways you would find positive and relationship-enhancing. The main thing with assertive responding is that you know you stood up for yourself and consequently, feel more self-confident and better about yourself.
I hope you found this information to be helpful.
If you’d like to learn more about assertiveness, or would benefit from assistance in practicing the DESC approach in life situations you’re encountering, consider speaking with one of the staff at University Counseling and Consulting Services. We have two centers, one at the Minneapolis campus and one at the St. Paul campus.
At the Minneapolis campus, we are located at the following address:
109 Eddy Hall
192 Pillsbury Drive S.E.
(Southwest corner of Pillsbury Drive and Pleasant Street, near Dinkytown).
Our phone number is 612-624-3323 and our hours are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
Our center at the St. Paul campus is located at the following address:
199 Coffey Hall
1420 Eckles Avenue
(South of the St. Paul Student Center)
The phone number for our center in St. Paul is also 612-624-3323 and our hours there are 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Thank you. |
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